Mother to Daughter Wisdom Series: Preparing for College

College is a fun experience for many students. It's their opportunity to get out from under their parent's supervision and feel like an actual, independent adult for the first time. 

It's an exciting time to look forward to.

When I look back on my fun college days, I'm thankful to have left totally unscathed. But there were many things I wish I had knew ahead of time and things I saw friends go through that I'd want to warn others about.

This got me to thinking about what I'd want to tell my future daughter that will help prepare her for college. 

While I know I can't control which wisdom she will adhere to or listen to, I hope I can at least say that I did my part to inform her so she doesn't get into a situation and not know what to do.

And that's my number one goal for this list.

College Safety Tips

• No matter how safe you feel on a college campus, it's not the safety bubble you think it is. College campuses (and surrounding areas) have been one of the most targeted areas for rapes and sex trafficking, so be especially careful when you're walking on campus alone at night and/or in the party scene (including bars). 
  
  
• Always have some form of protection device (that's legally carried) readily available when you're alone — whether on campus, in a parking lot, or out for a jog. It can be as simple as a key or a protectant like a taser or pepper spray. But the important thing is to always be acutely aware of your surroundings, don't talk on the phone or listen to headphones unless you're in a secure spot, and be very swift with getting to your destination so onlookers know you're not lallygagging or distracted (which qualifies you as an easy target). As soon as you get into your car, lock the doors and focus on leaving the parking lot quickly and safely.
  
  
• Unfortunately, it's been unsafe (especially for women) to pick up strangers/hitchhikers, or even help a stranger "in need" when you're alone and not in high traffic area. If you're alone and a man asks you for help with something, you will need to politely decline. Even if you have to lie about the reason. Even if they seem crippled or attractively harmless. The Ted Bundy method didn't just happen in the 70's — it still happens today.
  
  
• Create a safety-bond with your friends and/or roommate by sharing your phone location with each other. It's not weird — it's necessary. If someone ever gets "lost" at the bars due to drunkenness, goes to someone's house that they just met, didn't come home that night without letting you know about it, or if you're unable to get ahold of them for a worrisome amount of time, you'll be glad you had their location to seek help. Alert friends if you're going somewhere by yourself or with a guy you just met — send them the address or at least the guy's name, phone number, and car type in case something happens. Say you'll text them when you get back home and that if they don't hear from you by X o' clock and unable to get ahold of you by that time, to call the police and provide the info you previously gave them. Obviously set a time that would be reasonable to suspect something bad happened.
  
  
• Have code words that you use with your closest friends for: 
• When you don't feel safe / need rescuing
• 9-1-1 emergency 
• "Lets leave." 
• "Hey come pull me away from this weird guy."
  
  
• If you ever get in a wreck, the first thing you need to do is make sure the person who was involved in the accident stops and pulls over to resolve the issue. Unfortunately, there are many hit-and-run offenses, so if possible, try to get a picture (or at least a visual memory) of their license plate number and car type in case they don't stop. Your priority is to safely pull over so you don't cause more wrecks, but if the other car doesn't stop and you're not able to get the license plate, don't worry. The police will be able to help you file the report and hopefully insurance will take care of us with the hit-and-run. If the other car does stop, take a picture of the person's license plate as soon as you stop or get out of the car, regardless of whose fault it is. If they ask, tell them it's for your own safety to prevent hit-and-run. Then take photos of the damage on both vehicles involved so you have proof of the accident to show insurance, and so the other driver doesn't claim you did more damage later on that wasn't there due to the accident. If there is any doubt of whose fault the accident is, call 9-1-1 for an officer to come make a police report  — they'll speak to each of you about the accident and record their findings. You'll want to exchange car insurance information and get the name of the other driver involved by looking at their driver's license. You should also call your parents to help guide you through what to do if you have any questions.
  
  
• Learn how to fix a flat tire and practice it at home. If you ever get a flat tire and stranded in the middle of nowhere with no cell phone service, it is crucial to know how to put a spare tire on your car to get you to the nearest safe place to get towed, get a car service to come help you replace your tire, or purchase a new tire at a tire shop. It's also important to keep a car tire kit in your car for this reason, and check your spare tire occasionally to make sure it doesn't go flat.

• Have a code word for your parents (or a trusted guardian) if you're in danger, especially if calling 9-1-1 doesn't feel like an option. In that circumstance, also share your phone location — whether that person comes, contacts a trustworthy male friend, or has a police officer come rescue you from that location.
  
  
• If something ever happens to you legally, sexually, relationally, school-wise, etc., it's crucial you tell someone trustworthy. As parents, we hope we have created a judge-free environment with your health and wellbeing as our top priority, because we love you no matter what. So never, ever feel afraid or ashamed to come to us to ask for help or let us know when something bad happens. And if it's not us, it needs to be someone else who can help. 
  
  
• Independent life can be scary at times and mistakes may be made, but we will always do our best to help you get through it, love you with all of our hearts, and guide you to overcome it and learn from it to become the best you can be. We are not the kind of parents who will ever disown or hate you for anything. Trust us to always give you loving guidance and support, even if discipline is involved. I've had things happen to friends in college who were absolutely terrified to have their parents find out, and it was a really sad situation, so I understand what it's like to live in that kind of fear. We pray you wont ever have to face anything serious that would cause you to doubt telling us, but if something ever does, we are your number one people you can trust and talk to about any circumstance.
  
  
• Never spend the night in another town or at someone else's house without letting your parents and/or your roommates know. You don't have to tell us why you're there, just let us know the address in case something happens to you, when you plan to be back home, and notify us when you get back home. We just want to be aware of a timeframe to expect your text to ensure you are safe.

Drugs & Alcohol in College

• Never, ever leave your drink unattended or receive a pre-made drink from someone you don't know. In the sex-trafficking world, a common way to kidnap women is to drug them (usually via alcoholic beverages), which causes them to go unconscious or deliriously out of control. If a random guy (or someone you're not close friends with) wants to buy you a drink, be at the bar with him so you can ensure you get the drink straight from the bartender. If the guy insists he get you the drink on his own, pretend like you take a sip of it and soon "accidentally" knock over the drink so you don't have to drink it -- and offer to get your own this time. If his reaction is frustrated, clearly it was a good call. 
  
  
• If you choose to drink alcohol before the legal age, never use a fake ID, use someone else's ID, or get a 21+ wristband if you are not the legal age. Getting an MIP will go on your record and be a hefty fine, but a false form of identification is a much more serious offense. Lying about your identification will even cause you to go to jail — I've seen it happen first-hand to a friend in college. Offenses like these can go on your record for when employers conduct background checks and if police ever pull you over for a ticket. So be very hesitant to drink in public and never lie about your identification. Trust me, it won't be worth the consequences.
  
  
• For every shot or beer you consume, drink a full glass of water. Order water with every drink you get at the bar. This will dramatically help you to not get sick or have a hangover from drinking, but it doesn't guarantee prevention from a hangover (or alcohol poisoning) if you binge drink. It also doesn't prevent getting drunk, but can potentially slow the process.
  
  
• NEVER, EVER drive if you'd had more than 1 drink per hour. Even if you don't feel drunk or tipsy, buzzed driving is drunk driving. It's easy to not realize how much you've had to drink until you're out of the party (or the bar) and start heading home, when it's too late. It's extremely dangerous and could kill not only yourself but an innocent pedestrian or driver. If you get pulled over, it could also cause you go to jail and receive a minimum $40,000 fine — that's the cost of your tuition, AND it's a serious felony on your record that will show up on every future employee background check and police scanners when you get pulled over for speeding. It is to be taken extremely seriously, so never get in the car with someone who has been drinking either. Always have a reliable, trustworthy DD or order an Uber/taxi if needed. As a parent, I would rather cover the costs of Uber fees than for you to ever drive or get in the car with someone who has been drinking.
  
  
• Do not ever do drugs. Period. The road to drugs (even "harmless" ones) can lead to a life full of destruction — I don't need to give you hundreds of examples of this that I've seen firsthand. You will not be shamed by your friends if you choose to say no (I've been asked many times), even if they jokingly try to pressure you into it. If they keep pressuring you without backing down, leave. At this point it would be clear they aren't real friends, so ditch 'em and don't be afraid to hurt their feelings about it. You also don't want to be in the same house or around those who, if they get busted, could get you into trouble, too.
  
  
• If you know someone who is overly drunk beyond control and comprehension, keep a close eye on them. If they go to sleep somewhere, make sure they're laying on their side so if they throw up, they don't suffocate themselves with their vomit. If they are showing signs of confusion, vomiting, seizures, slow or irregular breathing, blue-tinged or pale skin, low body temperature, or unconsciousness and can't be awakened, call 9-1-1 immediately as they may have alcohol poisoning and may die or go into a coma if left untreated quickly. Do not hesitate to call 9-1-1 even if there's illegal activity in the house you're at. Allowing someone to die has much more serious implications than allowing your friends to get busted for doing something illegal.
  
  
• Trick: If you want to have fun at a party with friends but don't want to drink too much, always keep a cup in your hand that isn't see through (like a red solo cup) so that your one drink can last longer through the night. When you play a game that you have to drink out of your cup, just take a sip but pretend like you're drinking longer. If you play a game that requires shots or shotgunning, just tell them the last time you did that it "made you sick" and they'll stop asking you to join. There are plenty of sneaky ways to not be a "party pooper" but still not get drunk or get to a dangerous lack of control. 

Sex Protection in College

• Believe it or not, you will not look stupid or weird for choosing not to sleep with a guy. If he says you're prude for not wanting to sleep with him, it's a clear sign of extreme immaturity and a red flag — only stupid boys say such petty things like that... and who knows how many girls they've slept with (let alone the 1 in 4 chance they have an STD). Even if you're starting to date someone, it should never be something you feel pressured into. "If you love me, you will sleep with me," is the biggest B.S. you'll ever hear. True love doesn't give you ultimatums like that and (again) shows how immature they really are. In fact, if a guy (dating or not) ever tries to push you to get to sleep with them, they are an automatic red flag who you should avoid immediately. Be careful who you run around with and choose your friends wisely so you don't hang out with the wrong crowd that would pressure you into anything you don't want to do. Always stand up for yourself because in the long run, those friends will likely be long gone once in the next year or at least once you leave the college bubble.
  
  
• When you go out dancing or to the club, many (I didn't say "all") guys who ask you to dance are either interested in hooking up or thinking sexual thoughts when dancing with you, especially if the dancing requires bumping and grinding. Dancing is a really fun activity (and great workout, I might add) to do with your friends, and I highly recommend going out to dance when you can. Just be mindful about the likely intentions of strangers who you choose to dance with and know your boundaries. Never allow anyone to push those boundaries.
  
  
• If anything ever happens to you sexually against your will or if someone violates and abuses you sexually, you must call the National Sexual Assault Hotline for advice to see if it's something you need to report for criminal investigation. No exceptions. Even if it's a "friend." Even if they threaten you not to report it (which gives you more of a reason to report). Because most rape victims who don't report the attack are either scared the person will actually follow up with their threat or scared of the outcome of reporting, such as public shame, lost friendships/relationships, etc. But let me be clear. As far as potential lost friendships and relationships go due to reporting such a heinous crime, GOOD RIDDANCE! For public perspectives, it is the assaulter who will be publicly shamed and not tolerated by any. Your act of valor will possibly save many others from knowing what signs to look for in a guy who may be a threat, or even prevent girls from falling into the trap of being scared to report the abuse to authorities. If this ever happens to you, you did absolutely nothing wrong and did not deserve it. It will never define your worth because you are priceless. Your worth is beyond anything one can pay or take away, no matter what happens to us, because Jesus Christ paid it all and sacrificed everything to secure you in his identity alone.
  
  
• If you choose to be sexual with someone, it is crucial to always wear a condom, even if you love them and have been with them for awhile. This will help prevent the spread of STDs and possibly pregnancy. However, if you do get pregnant at any point in your life before marriage, believe that we will love you and help you take care of the baby. Never, ever, ever, ever consider an abortion for any reason. You will not be disowned or hated for getting pregnant before marriage, but we pray that you save yourself for the man who deserves the fullness of your bodily intimacy upon marriage. Sex is a very good thing, but meant (and specifically designed) for the unique bondage of marriage. When you have sex with someone, they forever have a small part of you that you can't take back. So we pray you will let that person be your husband.

College Studies

• If you are planning on only getting a Bachelor's degree for education, strive for at least a 3.0. If you choose to pursue continued education for a career path (i.e. Masters, Doctorate, law school, nursing school, etc.), your GPA actually matters and highly competitive GPAs help you get accepted into that school.
  
  
• If there is a class you are struggling with that you need to pass to get school credit or get a higher grade for GPA purposes, GET A TUTOR! Tutors will help you get through those difficult classes much easier. We are happy to pay for tutoring sessions to help make your education much more enjoyable and successful.
  
  
• You will find that some classes you take will teach very odd, contradictory or even confusing topics (and I'm not talking about organic chemistry). Be wary of teachers who have a hidden agenda in their curriculum and who try to sway you to believe their personal values, ethics, morals and beliefs about everything from A to Z by incorporating it in their teachings, tests and essays. You WILL encounter this. Don't be afraid to stand up for your beliefs and values, to be confrontational if needed, to rebuke them if needed, and to get your work graded poorly because you are writing contrary to their teachings. They will say your bad grade is due to X errors, but in reality, they wont' like it if you disagree with them and may give you a bad grade because of it. It's happened to me in Gender Studies and Feminism 101.  Stand firm to your beliefs because there will be many (not just professors) who will try to sway you to different belief systems that are false.
  
  
• Take classes (including extracurriculars) that you will benefit from in the future - whether it's learning a new skill like Archery, honing on a skill you enjoy and want to get better at like Creative Writing, or even a class you find interest in and want to learn more about such as Nutrition. I wish I had taken more of these in college instead of filling my non-essential classes with the easiest possible things to take like Running. While I enjoyed running, I missed my chances of learning something new that was offered as an elective class.
  
  
• If you really want to become fluent in a specific language, consider studying abroad in a country that speaks that language. If Spanish, consider Spain (not Mexico or Central America, if possible). Nothing will allow you to learn a language faster than engulfing yourself in that culture for a period of time. Don't study abroad just to travel - you will get to do that after college all you want (as long as you have the money). Study abroad if you highly desire to become fluent (and stay fluent) in a given language. 

Working in College

• If you excel in a particular subject, find out how you can become a tutor for it and get paid to help others learn it.
  
  
• Get AT LEAST 2 internships during college, even if they are unpaid. Internships are KEY to helping you get a job. They give you "real world" experience that most school clubs and even classes don't provide. This is the experience you will add to your resume to start applying for jobs. You can consider summer internships, semester internships, or even holiday break internships. This will also get you the first batch of "referral contacts" and connections to help you get that first real job out of college. Connect with them on Linkedin, ask their permission to be a referral contact for future jobs, save their phone number /email/title/company address in your contacts for future reference, and keep in touch every once in awhile if you established a good relationship.
  
  
• If a potential job opportunity requires you to pay for a membership, initiation or bulk item fee (like MLM companies) we ask that you don't pursue it without first speaking directly with us. We have first-hand experience and knowledge of those things and can tell when something is a proper investment, business model or a scam (or major headache at least). 

College Campus Life

• Take advantage of your all-sports pass! I mainly only went to football and basketball games in college, and wish I had taken advantage of the pass to experience a college hockey game, gymnastics tournament, track meet, soccer game, or even equestrian race. That is something you will rarely be able to get anywhere else or any other time. You wont regret it, and you may even find a new sport you really enjoy watching that you never realized before. It can be a great weekend activity with friends instead of always going to a party or to the bars. 

College Church Life

• There's only 2 organizations you need to focus being actively involved in: 1) a club that matches your main career goal, 2) christian organization or bible study group that practices the same beliefs you have.
  
  
• Your goal should be to date people you meet in the church or in a christian organization. If you're interested in finding a date and/or getting married soon after college, your best chances is to get super involved in one of those and meet people. Christian couples typically get married faster. Even if you don't meet a good christian guy at the church, your christian girl friends will likely have some connections to set you up on a blind date. I know many people who met their spouses because they were set up on a date by friends. 

Now, I know what you're thinking - either your mom is crazy protective or college is scary. But that's not the purpose of this information.

The purpose of me writing these things out for you is to prepare you for anything that you may come across that could cause danger, harm, or even "I wish I knew" moments. You can take it or leave it, but I am telling you things because I love you, want the best college experience for you, and for you to remember that I have been where you are - college experiences haven't changed that much over decades, so you can trust me to provide you with wisdom where you choose to accept it. You are becoming an independent woman so you will absolutely learn things on your own, make your own mistakes, and have your own unique college experience. 

I don't want you to be scared out being on your own, either. College is a really fun experience to get out of your parent's house and start making your own way in the world pre-career. I hope you soak up every bit of your time in college and take advantage of all the great offerings and opportunities to grow you personally, relationally, and professionally that will benefit you for a lifetime.